One of my favorite memories as a kid was building sandcastles with my granddad... until my mother took the urn away. I got a hand job from a blind woman once. She told me, "This is the biggest dick I've ever come across." I said, "No, you're just pulling my leg.” Why is punctuation important? It marks the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse. I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said, "No, I'll probably put it in the living room.” What's the difference between a woman in church and a w… Read more

Did you know it was a Welshman that came up with the idea of using a sheep's intestine as a condom, the first one. It was an Englishman that suggested taking it out of the sheep first. My neighbour just came over and told me his wife's been having an affair with Alex, our postman. I said "What, that fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?" "Yes", he replied. "Why would Alex want to shag that?" Do you know I often give my wife flowers, and the c***dren teddy bears. Yeah, living near an accident blackspot has its advantages. My ex-wife took a taxi once, but realised when… Read more

My Ex-wife took a taxi once, but realised when they pulled in she'd forgotten her purse. Quick as a flash she whipped her knickers off and flashed him her growler. He took one look and said 'do you have anything smaller?' ?? What did Joan Collins used to put behind her ears to attract men? Her ankles.… Read more

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said.. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't… Read more

A very drunk Paddy met a prostitute up a dark alley. He ask "How much for full sex?' £20' she replies. 'OK' says Paddy, and they get down to business. Next minute a cop appears and shines his torch in their faces. 'What's going on here then?" he asks. 'Nothing Officer, I'm just having sex with my wife.' Sorry Sir' apologizes the cop, I didn't know it was your wife Paddy shouts 'Neither did I till you shone your fuckin torch in her face'!… Read more

How does a redneck mother know when her daughter's having her period? Her son's cock tastes of shit.… Read more

The police knocked on my door the other day. 'I'm sorry sir,', one of them said, 'but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus.' 'Yeah,' I said, 'but she takes it up the arse and is good with the k**s.'… Read more

Went out on the piss the other night, major bender, woke up next day next to the fattest, ugliest woman you could ever imagine! Thank fuck I managed to get home safely.… Read more